The BBA Jihad, or: Why This Is Getting Pretty Bloody Ridiculous (A How-To Guide for Authors)
Problem:
Someone just gave all your books one star ratings.
Solution:
Do nothing. Calling attention to it will only make it worse.
Protest:
"But it isn't fair! They didn't read the book!"
Rebuttal:
You don't have any way of proving that, though. Unless the person wrote a review saying, "Nyah, nyah, I didn't read the book but this author sux LOL!" that is.
Seriously. Don't push this. It isn't that big of a deal, and making a big fuss will only make you look like a jerk. If your book doesn't completely suck, you'll eventually get some positive reviews. Try giving out some ARCs for some fresh ratings. Just don't try to bribe people into uprating your books.
---
Problem:
You got caught bribing people into uprating your books.
Solution:
Admit it. Deleting the evidence is pointless because by now people have undoubtedly taken screenshots. Apologize for your error. Don't be surprised if the positive reviews you bought are removed.
Protest:
"I wouldn't have had to do this if people actually rated my books fairly!"
Rebuttal:
Fair doesn't always mean positive. If it did, the NYT best sellers list would be a mile long. Kind of defeats the purpose.
---
Problem:
Someone just wrote you a negative review.
Solution:
So you're not perfect. Oh well. Life goes on. Again--do nothing.
Protest:
"But they didn't finish the book/didn't read the book/read the book knowing they would hate it anyway!"
Rebuttal:
Honestly? Who cares? The worst fate a reader can condemn an author to is obscurity. At least if someone posts a negative review, other people will get wind of your book.
---
Problem:
You just offended someone with your behavior as an author.
Solution:
Apologize. Nicely. Not passive-aggressively. Actually mean it; be sincere.
Protest:
"But it wasn't my fault!"
Rebuttal:
Not gonna lie, it's usually going to be at least partly your fault.
And what will it hurt to apologize? Think of it as an exercise in humility.
---
Problem:
You just got caught doing the exact same thing as before, even though you already apologized.
Solution:
Well, this is tricky. Because once is a mistake (maybe) but multiple infractions kind of make you look like an asshole.
Apologize. Again, be sincere. People's bullshit-o-meters will be on high alert now. If you don't mean it, just stay quiet. Lie low. Maybe in a year or two (some) people will forget.
Protest:
"The meanie trolls are harassing me, though! They won't believe me! Blah blah blah butthurt blah blah blah authorrage!"
Rebuttal:
Close the computer and rethink your choice of profession.
---
Problem:
You just got caught stalking/harassing/victimizing your readers.
Solution: At this point, you're pretty much a lost cause. You've been blacklisted by all the blogs that matter, and anyone who picks up your book is going to be warned away by someone in the know. Also, what you're doing now is potentially illegal, so you've opened up the door to law enforcement getting involved.
Protest:
"I am a vigilante warrior of justice righting the wrongs inflicted by these bully trolls against me and other authors!"
Rebuttal:
No, you're not.
Someone just gave all your books one star ratings.
Solution:
Do nothing. Calling attention to it will only make it worse.
Protest:
"But it isn't fair! They didn't read the book!"
Rebuttal:
You don't have any way of proving that, though. Unless the person wrote a review saying, "Nyah, nyah, I didn't read the book but this author sux LOL!" that is.
Seriously. Don't push this. It isn't that big of a deal, and making a big fuss will only make you look like a jerk. If your book doesn't completely suck, you'll eventually get some positive reviews. Try giving out some ARCs for some fresh ratings. Just don't try to bribe people into uprating your books.
---
Problem:
You got caught bribing people into uprating your books.
Solution:
Admit it. Deleting the evidence is pointless because by now people have undoubtedly taken screenshots. Apologize for your error. Don't be surprised if the positive reviews you bought are removed.
Protest:
"I wouldn't have had to do this if people actually rated my books fairly!"
Rebuttal:
Fair doesn't always mean positive. If it did, the NYT best sellers list would be a mile long. Kind of defeats the purpose.
---
Problem:
Someone just wrote you a negative review.
Solution:
So you're not perfect. Oh well. Life goes on. Again--do nothing.
Protest:
"But they didn't finish the book/didn't read the book/read the book knowing they would hate it anyway!"
Rebuttal:
Honestly? Who cares? The worst fate a reader can condemn an author to is obscurity. At least if someone posts a negative review, other people will get wind of your book.
---
Problem:
You just offended someone with your behavior as an author.
Solution:
Apologize. Nicely. Not passive-aggressively. Actually mean it; be sincere.
Protest:
"But it wasn't my fault!"
Rebuttal:
Not gonna lie, it's usually going to be at least partly your fault.
And what will it hurt to apologize? Think of it as an exercise in humility.
---
Problem:
You just got caught doing the exact same thing as before, even though you already apologized.
Solution:
Well, this is tricky. Because once is a mistake (maybe) but multiple infractions kind of make you look like an asshole.
Apologize. Again, be sincere. People's bullshit-o-meters will be on high alert now. If you don't mean it, just stay quiet. Lie low. Maybe in a year or two (some) people will forget.
Protest:
"The meanie trolls are harassing me, though! They won't believe me! Blah blah blah butthurt blah blah blah authorrage!"
Rebuttal:
Close the computer and rethink your choice of profession.
---
Problem:
You just got caught stalking/harassing/victimizing your readers.
Solution: At this point, you're pretty much a lost cause. You've been blacklisted by all the blogs that matter, and anyone who picks up your book is going to be warned away by someone in the know. Also, what you're doing now is potentially illegal, so you've opened up the door to law enforcement getting involved.
Protest:
"I am a vigilante warrior of justice righting the wrongs inflicted by these bully trolls against me and other authors!"
Rebuttal:
No, you're not.
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